Simply put, every man is unique both in how he thinks and in what he does. In direct contrast to that is the old assertion that we’ve all heard time and time again, by men about women, and by women about men: “They're all pretty much the same.”

Those who seek to focus only on the individuality of men are apt to overlook the very many things that the majority of human males do, in fact, share in common. Realistically, human males, all differences aside, share a stunning amount of deeper underlying similarity. The specifics of each man's relationship with his inborn traits differs widely from man to man. A philanderer and a priest certainly choose different ways of dealing with their sexual instincts; and the degree of power those traits may exert over his behaviour often does differ from individual to individual; Oscar Wilde was willing to risk everything for his sexual satisfaction, while Isaac Newton seems to have been essentially lacking a sex drive. But even so, in general, men share a lot in common. (And though it's beyond the range of my subject, gay male behaviours are pretty well described by what follows, if you just substitute “male” for “female” in the following.)

You must have noticed this in high school, where boys sat together, nervously (or perhaps swaggeringly) “checking out” the “hottest chicks” in the school. You probably notice it at the local fitness club, when grown men do so, albeit often more furtively. I'm no expert in “all men,” and I don't think you should trust anyone who claims to be one, but I can tell you that it's very rare that men don't take an active interest in the attractiveness of the women around them. Some men are furtive about it; some are brash or bold; most keep it to themselves once they reach a certain age. But yes, in general, it's safe to say that your husband or boyfriend noticed that very pretty young woman that just walked past you in the shopping mall.

And that is neither here nor there. Nature, you see, is fond of overkill. The basic usefulness of a man's penchant to notice the aspects of women’s bodies that men naturally find themselves attracted to, has simply grown to a proportion that outstrips the basic need. But as it stands, nature needs men to be interested in women so they will try to mate with them.

Now, people use nature as an excuse far, far too often in this life. Far be it from me to fall into the same trap. However, I will tell you women—and the men who feel sheepish about this—one thing: we’re wired to look. We’re wired to be continually on the lookout for potential mates. Some men are sometimes more monogamous than others, and plenty of us are adult enough never to cheat on the woman we love; but I think you'd find that few—perhaps none—of us would ever commit to never looking at another woman. It’s something we just do, we find ourselves doing it, and it’s not a bad thing.

In fact, a balanced man who is somewhat in touch with his own mind is someone who can note that he is, instinctually, attracted to someone with whom he cannot or must not mate. The more conscious about this a man is, the more likely he will be to make a decision about his feelings, rather than blundering into something stupid.

Of course a man who is in control of his actions does not chase every skirt that appears in front of him; that much is certain. But, he who admits to himself that he is looking, and that looking is just looking, also is in a wonderful position to appreciate life, to appreciate beauty all around him, of a kind that he’s absolutely designed to enjoy. His gaze takes him through a veritable landscape of attractions, and the tug inside him toward so many beautiful women—beautiful not because they look like magazine cover-girls, but because of the way they, in his presence, interact with he millions of years' worth of biological programming that has crafted male attraction instinct—that attraction in itself is beautiful, too. That experience can remind him of that deeper pull towards life, towards happiness. That is how human sexuality, which is much bigger than just sex, is a gift. A line comes to mind from the title track of the Belle&Sebastian album, Storytelling:

I’m in love with every girl I meet…

To feel that way sounds to so many people like absentminded blabber, but it’s not.

It’s a way of being in love with the world. Now, does this mean that every man must objectify and sexualize women? No. It means that on some level, men are wired to see women as sexual objects, objects of their attraction; and men also see themselves as sexual objects in relation to women. If men never did this, women and men would probably never get together. And when men and women see one another as mere objects, they're also headed for trouble.

There is an in-between to all this, but it is something some women don’t understand: a man who looks at other women, enjoys that “beauty” that is more than just passive appreciation of something “pretty” like a painting or statue, is not really doing anything wrong. It’s much better than being the man whose attraction to other women is experienced as the nexus of guilt, or sadness, or even pain. The healthy man, who looks without being a jerk or a letch, is likelier to have a joyful relation to the world, and to the one woman with whom he is “with” at the time. After all, the tendency to look around is simply there. Ask any man. It’s best we’re all adult about it, come to terms with it, and instead of denying or suppressing it, try to understand one another and ourselves.

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